…That I’ve Received About MFA Thesis Novel

Dear Mr. Rodgers,

I took great offense at the way your “novel” portrayed graduate-level creative writing degrees as riddled with pointless classes, emptyheaded professors, and a team of graduate students who are borderline imbecilic. As a tenured professor who actually works in academia, I challenge your novel’s unfounded assumption that the academic job market is hopeless and that graduate students in the humanities have no hope of obtaining sustainable jobs that pay a fair wage. I for instance obtained my first tenure-track university position nearly forty years ago and have enjoyed the job security of lifetime employment and a more-than-adequate salary ever since.  

Of course, I have no idea what the academic job market looks like now, but if today’s graduate students aren’t succeeding, I can only assume that it’s their own fault and that they should try harder, perhaps by taking out more loans so they can attend fancy academic conferences that look good on their CVs.

Sincerely,

[a tenured professor at a big midwestern university]

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Dear Sir,

Where do you get off making fun of the current state of literary fiction in your novel (which I see on the publisher’s website is also listed as literary fiction)? Even though I haven’t actually read your book, I can safely say that you, sir, are a hypocrite.

The thing I found most egregious about your novel is your insinuation that the writing coming out of MFA programs is all the same, and that pressures within the literary market encourage young writers to produce homogeneous work rather than taking risks. This, sir, is inherently false: for example, my own novel is a family drama covering four generations of straight male farm hands living in the rural Pacific Northwest as they struggle with poverty and drug abuse, while my colleague [name redacted]’s novel is a family drama covering three generations of straight female housewives living in the rural Oklahoma panhandle as they struggle with poverty and sexism, which is totally different.

Shame on you, sir, for perpetuating untrue stereotypes about clueless, self-serving academic writers in your novel who care only about producing formulaic writing designed to advance their own careers. If you’d like to read a novel that truly pushes the envelope, I encourage you to check out my aforementioned novel, Under a Fair Blue Sky, available for purchase through Downwinds Press (www.downwindspress.net) or from all major online retailers.

Sincerely,

[an irate writer of literary fiction]

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poor service and slopppy delivery. two stars

your deliveryman left my pakcage on the ground instead off on the front stoope even after I repeatedly called and asked them not too. this time it rained and the box got wet so my book was soaked through and the pages still haven’t dried out. next time use a plastic bag!!!

Review left by

[someone who doesn’t understand what online review pages are for]

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Hello Ian,

Your new book sucks! I just finished MFA Thesis Novel and found it to be quite different than your other books. Actually, I was really surprised to find that you didn’t add any paranormal elements, and that it didn’t feel suspenseful at all (except for the parts where you talk about career prospects for grad students in the humanities, which were pretty scary).

Anyway, I was thinking about ways you could make your novel more appealing to a mass audience. I thought it would be really cool if the Derzen character was actually a vampire, and if Flip needed to drive a stake through her heart to stop her murderous rampage around the city but was held back by his fiery passion for her forbidden love. Or, what if Jackson was a vampire too?? Then you could make them have a love triangle and maybe add a scantily clad succubus and a werewolf or something.

I’m sure this million-dollar idea will turn your otherwise lame novel into a guaranteed bestseller, but if you’re not interested, let me know so I can write it myself as a fan fiction.

All best,

[someone who meant to write to the other Ian Rogers, the Canadian writer of supernatural noir]

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Dear Socialist East-Coast Member of the Liberal Elite,

Well well well, another typical LIBERAL attack on our treasured American institutions of Capitalism and Democracy. You CLEARLY have know concept of what living in a free country means or common sense. I bet you even voted for Bernie Sanders.

Actually, I dont like the university system either.  To many Liberal professors indoctrinating students with they’re radical Left Wing Agendas! But, I fully support there Rights under Capitalism to exploit grad students by paying them poverty-level wages while wracking up massive debt. Thats what keeps our economy going! Also, that makes THEM smart and YOU stupid for being taken advantage of.

Since your a fancy East Coast writer I bet you made millions of dollars selling your Left Leaning novel to a bunch of Panini eating Liberals, so u don’t even KNOW what its like to actually WORK for a living. Instead you go around making assumptions about people based on where their from and what their jobs are.  You Liberal Scum make me sick!

Signed

[a troll who likes to pick fights in the comment sections of Youtube videos]

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Hi Ian,

Please take down that silly Imaginary Hate Mail page from your website.  It’s not funny and you might get sued.

Love you,

[my parents]

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